Read It Here First: Looking Back at '09

Last year presented us with developments both woeful—the meltdown of the financial services industry and the domestic auto industry heading for the cliff—and wondrous, in the form of Barack Obama's election, as the voters cast aside much conventional wisdom to give a majority to the best candidate.

It might have figured that in such an unpredictable year, this annual column combining awards for the previous year with predictions for the coming one would have made more sense than usual when looked at in retrospect.

But our sense of the absurd was no match for the wackiness of real life—or at least real life as embodied by our former Governor, Eliot Spitzer. Last year's column gave him its top award for 2007 "for squandering his mandate and putting his political future in jeopardy with a dubious attempt to embarrass Joe Bruno." How minor his feud with Mr. Bruno seems now; how minor Mr. Spitzer himself seems.

Obama Didn't Make Cut

Since our predictions generally aren't intended to be accurate, we feel no sense of embarrassment at not picking Mr. Obama to emerge from the Democratic pack as the man who would succeed George Bush. Our Bizarro World prognostication had the presidential election winding up in the House of Representatives, where the three top vote-getters— Rudy Giuliani on the Patriot Party line, Hillary Clinton as the Working Families Party nominee and Mayor Bloomberg on the Why Not Me? Line—faced off after defeating the Democratic and Republican nominees (John "Your cheatin' haircut") Edwards and John ("I thought she really was Tina Fey") McCain.

ROGER TOUSSAINT: A secret deal.

As most of you know by now, it won't be necessary for the House to decide our next President, and none of the other predictions we made amounted to much, either. And so without further ado, let's dispense with the happy recap (Bob Murphy, be thankful you didn't have to suffer through the last Mets season with us) and get right to our prizewinners and our prognostications:

The Bernard B. Kerik Lifetime Achievement Award to Dick Cheney, who will presumably soon receive his just reward from his old outfit at Halliburton (if he hasn't already). One easily led New York Times columnist wrote that there was something admirable about a guy who wouldn't apologize for cursing out a U.S. Senator; apparently it didn't occur to him that for a man who plowed new ground in subverting American concepts of justice while rushing us into war based on lies, a brief loss of temper wasn't exactly cause for self-reproach.

RANDI WEINGARTEN: Multi tasking to the max.

The John V. Lindsay the More They Know, the Less They'll Like Him Award to Rudy Giuliani, who like the previous fusion Mayor with presidential aspirations discovered that his appeal didn't travel well.

The Holy Cow What a Huckleberry Award to Eliot Spitzer, whose self-righteousness was equaled only by his talent for selfdestruction.

The Rocky At Least I Outlasted Spitzer Award to Joe Bruno, for not relinquishing power until well after his antagonist departed in disgrace and, for the moment anyway, staying two lengths ahead of investigators.

DICK CHENEY: A different kind of fantasy island.

The Veronica Montgomery-Costa Democracy is Too Important to be Trusted to the Voters Award to Mayor Bloomberg, for pushing through an extension to the Term Limits Law less than a year after he proclaimed that doing it without a referendum would be "disgusting."

The At Least I'm Not Playing Solitaire on My Office Computer Award to Kevin Sheekey, whose city job duties are so amorphous that Assembly Speaker Shelly Silver recently dubbed him the "Deputy Mayor for Political Aspirations."

The Best Council Funds Are Phantom Council Funds Award to Speaker Christine Quinn, whose problems after it was revealed that the Council had allocated money to nonexistent groups as a budget maneuver got worse when it was learned that some Council aides had pocketed money earmarked for real organizations.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG: A new world to conquer.

The Double Life of Brian

The Know When to Fold Them Award to Brian McLaughlin, who pleaded guilty to embezzling $2.2 million from two union jobs and his Assembly office and may escape jail time in return for his testimony against corrupt officials who lacked his enterprise.

The Turnip Truck Award to Tony Seminerio, who according to Federal prosecutors spoke in depth about how he used his Assembly office to shake down people doing business with the state for $500,000 in consulting fees to Brian McLaughlin at a time when the whole world knew Mr. McLaughlin was about to be indicted and might be wearing a wire.

The Next to Me Tony Seminerio's A Rocket Scientist Award to Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for making incriminating statements on everything from a vacant U.S. Senate seat to helping the Chicago Cubs while a target of a criminal investigation by the Justice Department, then attempting to carry on despite suggestions from the President-elect that he leave the stage.

The Elementary My Dear Watson Award to Patrolmen's Benevolent Association President Pat Lynch for buttressing his arbitration attorney's claim that police work relied more heavily on "mental skills" than other uniformed jobs by finally negotiating a long-term contract so that his members would no longer be working with raises three or more years overdue.

The Who Shot J.R. Cliffhangers Keep People Paying Attention Award to Transport Workers Union Local 100 President Roger Toussaint, who pushed through a by-law change under which his members will vote for union officers in June but the results won't be announced until December. Mr. Toussaint also receives the Michael Phelps Multi-Event Gold Medal for setting what figures to be an unbreakable record for longest loss of dues check-off rights for a strike that didn't even last three days, and exiling from positions of power all union officers who expressed opinions that were in conflict with his own.

In Search of a Side Job

The Overextended? Moi? Award goes to United Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten, who while still seeking a balance with her new role as president of the American Federation of Teachers let Governor Paterson know that she might be able to fit the duties of a U.S. Senator into her schedule as well.

The Most-Unlikable Chuckleheaded Trio This Side of Britney, Paris and Lindsay Award is jointly shared by the Albany Gang of Three who tried to strong-arm their way to power in the State Senate, and the presidents of the Big Three automakers who came to Washington seeking a Federal bailout on their private jets.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown Award to Hillary Clinton for re-crafting an often-bungling presidential campaign into a symbol of women's progress and then forsaking the chance to sulk in order to help elect Barack Obama and earn herself a nomination as Secretary of State.

The Sean Avery How Come I Get Spitzer's Sloppy Seconds? Award to Governor Paterson, who lucked into the job just in time to be confronted by a massive financial crisis and a U.S. Senate replacement process that he noted would leave him with dozens of enemies and "one ingrate."

The Who Knew? Award to Caroline Kennedy for proving that, you know, good political instincts are not hereditary.

The Eric Mangini Now That I'm Free to Speak Again, Who's Gonna Listen? Award to Vice President elect Joe Biden.

The There But for the Grace of Voters Go I Award to Sarah Palin, who may not know the meaning of chutzpah but absolutely embodied it.

Having dispensed with our awardwinners, it's time to peek at everything that's likely to happen in 2009:

Knowledge is Dangerous

Jan. 14—A day before his wage contract is due to expire, Transport Workers Union Local 100 President Roger Toussaint fires three members of his bargaining committee for asking questions about the union's latest proposal to the Metropolitan Transportation Authority.

"This union has overcome too much to have its leadership undermined by those who would seek to cripple us by obtaining information," he explains.

Jan. 18—Shortly before midnight, as the city's tabloids gear for the virtually nonexistent possibility that Mr. Toussaint will start the workweek by leading another transit strike by readying banner headlines stating, "No Parole This Time," the Local 100 leader, the two fellow union officials he is still talking to and MTA negotiators announce that they have reached a new contract.

They decline to disclose details, however, except to say that a membership vote will be held over the coming month, and six months after ballots are tallied, the rank and file will be informed of what the deal provides.

"It's time for people to show a little faith," Mr. Toussaint explains.

A Senate Job for Caroline

Jan. 20—Following President Obama's swearing-in, Deputy Mayor Kevin Sheekey approaches Caroline Kennedy and tells her, "I've got good news and bad news."

The good news, he tells her, is that he has a commitment from Governor Paterson that she will not only be chosen as a Senator but could soon be Majority Leader as well.

"The bad news is," he continues, "the job you're getting is actually a soon-to-be-vacant State Senate seat from Queens, and if you want to be Majority Leader, you have to sponsor a couple of fund-raisers for Carl Kruger and Pedro Espada."

The Daily News quotes a source close to the Governor stating that during a five-minute response, Ms. Kennedy used the phrase "oh no" 314 times.

Feb. 1—After the New York Giants defeat the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl, aides to Mayor Bloomberg report that he is preparing a proposal to convince them to abandon their new stadium in order to move into a revived version of the failed West Side stadium that was intended for the New York Jets.

One aide concedes privately that the plan has virtually no chance of succeeding, but says having the Mayor's name associated with the Giants for several months worth of speculation can only help his re-election chances.

Feb. 24—After Hillary Clinton receives Senate confirmation as U.S. Secretary of State, Governor Paterson shocks the political world by naming Randi Weingarten to fill her Senate seat.

The McLaughlin Precedent

Asked how soon she will be leaving her two Teachers' union posts, Ms. Weingarten says she envisions a gradual transition, one that may not be complete until after she learns whether she has won a full term in the November 2010 elections.

She dismisses suggestions that this could create possible conflicts of interest, reminding reporters that this hadn't been an obstacle for Brian McLaughlin.

"If Brian hadn't spent half his time stealing, he'd still be holding two union jobs and an Assembly seat," she points out.

March 31—The Governor and State Legislators are still deadlocked over how to close the $10-billion budget gap that remains after President Obama's recovery package drew the line by refusing to reimburse legislators for their criminal-defense fees.

Senate Majority Leader Caroline Kennedy announces that the parties are considering a proposal by state Racing and Wagering Board Chairman John Sabini to install video lottery terminals at all the major stock exchanges.

"If people are going to gamble on Wall Street," she said, "this may allow them to lose their money more slowly."

April 16—The new Yankee Stadium officially opens with the "Star Spangled Banner" delivered by Madonna to a special dance-music beat. During the bottom of the fifth inning, city economic development officials replace the grounds crew and instead of dragging the infield fill it with money from the Industrial Development Agency while singing, to the tune of "YMCA," "Big giveaway."

The Yankees lose their home opener to the Indians, 11-9, despite a grand slam by their latest free-agent acquisition, Manny Ramirez.

City Comptroller and mayoral candidate Bill Thompson tells reporters that it once again proves that you don't have to be the biggest spender to do the best job.

Cheney Goes Nuclear

May 11—The New York Times reports that former Vice President Dick Cheney has purchased two Caribbean islands, whose locations are undisclosed, using the secret pension he earned from Halliburton during his eight years in the White House.

Unnamed sources say that while Mr. Cheney plans to live on and rule one island, the other will be turned into a nuclear plant with first-strike capability.

June 12—Ballots are returned in the TWU Local 100 election, then placed under seal for six months in conformity with the by-law change approved a year earlier by 8 percent of the local's members.

Opposition leader John Samuelsen accuses Mr. Toussaint of having prepared a secret list of replacements for the members of his slate in anticipation that he will be removing them for either questioning his authority or ordering him the wrong sandwich from the nearest take-out joint.

Mr. Samuelsen says he is counting on rank-and-file discontent that paychecks are unchanged since the contract was ratified, notwithstanding Mr. Toussaint's assurance that the deal provides "hidden value" that he isn't ready to disclose.

June 25—After polls show Mayor Bloomberg, who is seeking the Democratic nomination to go with his place on the Cash is King ballot line, with a comfortable lead over both Comptroller Thompson and U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner, Senator Weingarten holds a press conference to announce new political plans.

Noting that the start of summer vacation for Teachers will reduce her union workload and that the Senate is about to begin its recess, she says that this has freed enough time for her to enter the race for Mayor and devote much of her energy to the Democratic primary campaign through the early part of September.

Hand in Contractors' Pockets

July 22—Local 100 members learn that the key element of their secret contract deal is that instead of pay raises they have been given stock in the companies that will be employed to design and build the Second Ave. subway.

Mr. Toussaint proudly proclaims that this should provide the equivalent of 10-percent annual raises even before the firms start billing the MTA for change-orders covering unexpected costs.

"We're thinking like entrepreneurial capitalists," he says.

Spotting several persons taking notes, he orders that they be suspended from their positions, only to be informed that they are newspaper reporters.

"From newspapers we control?" he asks.

Sept. 8—Former President George W. Bush, ending an extended vacation at his Crawford, Tex. ranch, appears at a press conference where Fox News announces that he will host a latenight talk show opposite David Letterman and Jay Leno.

"Lookin' forward to it," Mr. Bush says. "I've already got commitments from Rove and Cheney to appear, right after Dick invades Iran."

Later that evening, Sean Hannity urges Mr. Cheney to first marshal his military might against an even greater danger in response to news that Randi Weingarten has won the Democratic Primary for Mayor, finishing 12 points ahead of Mr. Bloomberg.

Sept. 21—The New York Times reports the launching of a new Bloomberg ad campaign warning that if Ms. Weingarten is elected Mayor, all the progress made in the public schools during the previous eight years will evaporate.

Homeowners receive their $400 rebate checks three months earlier than in 2008, accompanied by brochures describing the Cash is King Party (motto: "In Mike We Trust") and warning that by this time next year, Mayor Weingarten may have diverted the rebate money to fund Teacher sabbaticals.

Kerik Finally Gets the Job

Oct. 15—On the day that Bernie Kerik is supposed to begin a threeyear prison sentence for general knavery, U.S. Marshals are informed that he has been granted asylum by the People's Republic of Cheneyville, where he will serve as Secretary of Homeland Security.

Asked by Fox News senior political correspondent Sarah Palin whether he will allow Mr. Kerik to be extradited, Mr. Cheney replies, "You know, I never did have much use for the laws of the United States."

Oct. 28—On the eve of a pre-trial hearing for Illinois Gov. Blagojevich, it is revealed that a key witness against him is Brian McLaughlin. As a result of his testimony in that case and others involving two unidentified labor leaders, Federal prosecutors say Mr. McLaughlin will face no jail time, making him eligible to seek a return to the State Legislature next year.

Nov. 1—The Mets, with fans covering their eyes in anticipation of more heartbreak, shock the world by winning the seventh game of the World Series when their bullpen doesn't blow a late-inning lead to the Tampa Rays.

Nov. 3—Despite a $7-billion ad campaign during the final week by Mr. Bloomberg, Randi Weingarten becomes New York's 109th Mayor by fewer than 10,000 votes.

Experts say the turning point in the campaign came when the business community and editorial boards savaged the incumbent for granting Teachers 6-percent annual raises.

Mr. Bloomberg tells reporters he has no regrets about the contract deal.

"I did it out of concern for the people of New York," he said. "If I didn't settle and she beat me anyway, she would have given all her members 10 percent or more."

A jubilant Ms. Weingarten, who arrives at her campaign headquarters too late to appear on any TV broadcasts besides New York 1, tells reporters that she may be forced to delegate some of her union responsibilities in order to handle the duties of Mayor—at least while the Senate is in session.

"At the end of the day," she says, "I'll do whatever has the most benefit for kids."

Bloomberg Goes to DC 37

Dec. 1—Deputy Mayor Sheekey begins a whirlwind tour of city agencies, meeting with District Council 37 delegates to convince them to support Mayor Bloomberg when he runs for executive director of the union the following month against incumbent Lillian Roberts.

"He'll provide stronger leadership," Mr. Sheekey said, "and I guarantee that whatever perks she's giving you now, we can do better."

Dec. 18—Benefiting greatly from the number of members deemed to not be in good standing because of outstanding dues payments, Roger Toussaint is re-elected president of TWU Local 100 despite getting just 47 votes.

He is undaunted by his diminished popular support, predicting that when members get their first stock dividends, there will be enough good news to allow him to ease the voting rules for the future.

Asked whether members will once again be permitted to pose questions at union meetings without suffering adverse consequences, Mr. Toussaint says it depends on whether they previously displayed sufficient subservience.

"You've gotta crawl before you can squawk," he explains.

Dec. 21—Nearly a year late, the Board of Elections finally declares a winner in the Padavan/Gennaro State Senate race.

Dec. 31—On the eve of being sworn in, Mayor-elect Weingarten announces that she is retaining Schools Chancellor Joel Klein and has hired former City Council Member Eva Moskowitz to be his deputy.

"Whether they like it or not," she says with a wolfish grin.

Happy New Year.

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