A Presidential Reality Check
Mayor Mike: Down With Hope

By JIM CALLAGHAN

(How Mayor Bloomberg's announcement speech might sound:)

Mr. Callaghan, a staff writer for the New York Teacher, is a longtime bus, subway and ferry rider. The views expressed are his own, not his union's. He can be reached at mcalla24@aol.com .

I have heard a lot of the candidates talking about "hope" and "change" lately but I am running as a man of the truth.

So, first of all, let me perfectly blunt. Hope costs money. And we have none.

The American people are tired of false promises, of promising them hope when there is no money to pay for it.

So there can be no hope. That is a fact. Get a life.

But, we could have hope if the workers of this country - they are always sniveling about how tough life is and how they can't make ends meet - (whatever that means) - would agree to givebacks.

Then we could have hope.

Doing More With Less

Or they could agree to work a longer day and not get sick as much, thus saving the city money on health costs.

We might be able to squeeze some hope out of that. Or we could have "congestion-pricing hope," whereby we would charge those same whining workers a price for hope. We would establish a "hope zone" in every city in this country.

The Chief-Leader/Michael O'Kane A VISION OF THE FUTURE: Mayor Bloomberg courts the youth vote.

Under my plan, higher-salaried people would not pay this congestion hope fee. Because we give the world great ideas, we should not be taxed twice.

So let's be clear - hope is a false promise, a cheap tactic that only demagogues use to harvest votes. I will never stoop that low.

Plus, I do not understand all the commotion. I don't have trouble making ends meet, so I don't know what the fuss is about.

I budget wisely. I don't buy unnecessary things and I am frugal - which is what American workers must learn to do.

Biting the Propeller

But, my advisors tell me to make a gesture of sacrifice so the voters will identify with me. So, I am selling one of my six homes, getting rid of one of my helicopters, and leasing out my private jet when I am not using it.

Also, because I avoided the draft in the 1960s, I will volunteer to visit Iraq at least once a month for the next eight years as the war winds up.

You thought I would say winds down, right? That shows how much you have been brainwashed by the media.

Telling you I will wind down the war would only give you false hope, which would be wrong.

If you want Hope, call Bob. Or move to Arkansas. As for change - we have none. We gave all our change to the Yankees and Mets to build new stadiums.

And the change that was left over we gave to the Rockefeller family and Chase Bank so they wouldn't move jobs to New Jersey.

The rest of the change went to other big companies - they are still counting into the billions - as tax breaks because these companies give us hope by making money hand over fist.

Bailing Out the Needy

Other change went to Merrill Lynch, which owns part of my company, because they had to write off $15 billion in sub-prime loans.

I want change as much as the person next to me on the subway, which I ride with at least six NFLlinebackers posing as cops.

By the way, cops want change, too, but they will only get it when they come crawling to my Deputy Mayor for Presidential Operations and agree to change their shifts. Now that would be real change!

Also, I have tried getting change at the subway. You can't do it. There is no one there to give you change, or haven't you noticed?

To save you money, we plan to eliminate the jobs of all the subway workers - the ones who aren't thugs - and replace them with machines (lower pension and health costs).

That is what they get for demanding too much hope. They should stop whining and get a life.

So I have learned to carry my own change when traveling, in case one of my seven cell phones dies.

Because of the workers, a pay phone call now costs 50 Cent, and I don't mean the rapper!

The Less Things Change

Lots of great things can happen in this country, including hope and change. Why everyone expects me to give you hope and change when I haven't done one thing about traffic for six years and had my people vote for change by raising the subway fare is beyond me.

It's more fun to talk about the environment in Bali than coming home to change it.

I also wanted change when I gave up partisan politics, except when I made deals with the most conservative elements of the Republican Party to get the nomination in 2001.

Hell, I wanted change so much that I named a ferryboat after Guy Molinari, the homophobic former Staten Island Congressman who said Karen Burstein couldn't be Attorney General because she is a lesbian. That was my contribution to giving gays and lesbians hope.

I want change too - but the workers have prevented me from changing. So, the workers of the world must stop whining and get a life. And they can stop driving their cars while they are at it.

That way, they won't need a parking permit; that will give hope to the tens of thousands of people who park illegally all day but my computer experts don't know who they are.

That is my super plan for hope and change: the workers must stop driving. That will reduce asthma rates, which my other Deputy Mayor wanted to cut by building a big football stadium on the West Side. That was our contribution to hope, but it was ruined by selfish interests up in Albany.

Mensches Don't Whine

As you know, we have no selfish interests in City Hall. That is why we don't need hope.

If you want change, call the Good Humor man. He's got one of those old fashioned change-makers on his belt. He was able to buy it back from the pawn shop when I gave him a job on my plane serving ice cream.

He is my kind of mensch - he never whines or asks for a raise or reduced hours. He is happy with his job.

Thank you and may God bless ...