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Razzle Dazzle
There are his political positions that are out of step with the national Republican Party, modifications of some of those positions that are blatant flip-flops, a marital history that makes Bill Clinton seem like a lovable rascal in comparison, and business entanglements that suggest Rudy could have been talking about himself three years ago when he said that Bernie Kerik was "really challenged" when it came to avoiding the appearance of impropriety. Ahead But Hearing Footsteps Any two of these flaws should have been enough to doom Rudy's run by now. And yet he still leads in national polls even as his chances in Iowa and New Hampshire grow steadily fainter amid the critical news coverage and the emergence of Mike Huckabee as a viable contender for the Republican nomination.
And even as he has refused to release a list of his corporate clients, citing confidentiality agreements, it has been reported that his firms have represented the Saudi national oil company, the government of Qatar - members of which are believed to have sheltered Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in the years prior to his masterminding the 9/11 attacks - and a Hong Kong casino kingpin with ties to both international organized crime and the regime of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. Those business associations, and his having made a very lucrative one-man industry of giving speeches about his heroism on 9/11, are sufficiently questionable to suggest that Mr. Giuliani, to paraphrase Henry Clay, would rather be rich than President. But our ex-Mayor, who will only be viewed as a Great Compromiser in the area of moral values, seems determined to have it all. How he means to accomplish that became clearer to me last Monday. As I watched the Knicks fall further and further behind the Indiana Pacers, I nodded off to the Garden crowd's chant of the new lullaby of Broadway, "Fire Isiah." Moments later, I found myself alone in a room with Mr. Giuliani for our first one-on-one interview in 12 years. Any attempt I might have made to transcribe the conversation was short-circuited when I was awakened by my dog's barking an hour later, but to the best of my recollection, this is what was said: Me: Why are we in a subway terminal in eastern Brooklyn that doesn't exist? Rudy: It's your dream, pal. All I can explain is how wrong you and the rest of your ilk are about me, and how that will be proven by the American people on Nov. 4. Bodyguarding the Girlfriend Me: About the police detail for Judi ... Rudy: That was the decision of my Police Commissioners based on risk assessments that are routinely done for mayoral mistresses. I'm not saying anything bad about Howard Safir now that he's in charge of First Responders for Rudy, so if somebody has to be blamed, let's just remember that Bernie was challenged, really challenged, when it came to exercising good judgment. My guess is Bernie charged it to the Loft Board and the legal services office for poor people because there was a temporary shortage in the NYPD's petty-cash drawer. Me: Why did you get flustered when Tim Russert asked you whether a President's mistress should be entitled to Secret Service protection? Rudy: Number one, it's none of his business. Number two, once again it's a security issue based on threat assessments. Why would I want our enemies, terrorists and liberals alike, knowing what my position would be in the event of such a situation? Not that I expect such a situation to arise, given my love for Judi and her role as my life partner. Then again, everyone always says six months is a lifetime in politics, so who knows how many life partners I might wind up with during the next 20 years? Me: You can only serve eight years as President. Rudy: I showed as Mayor that I'm not going to be a slave to the old way of doing things. Talk to me again in 2016 and we'll see whether we still have term limits. Me: The polls suggest your Big-State Strategy may be in shambles by the time you get to the Florida primary. Rudy: I love proving the experts wrong. Who's gonna beat me, Huckleberry? Get serious - the man thinks God created Jimmy Breslin. Mitt? He's a bigger phony than I am. Lone Wolf McCain? He's against torture and for immigrants - what kind of Republican is that? Fencing Lesson Me: You really think you're going to keep undocumented workers out of the country by putting up a big fence? Rudy: Who said anything about keeping people out? The fence isn't to keep them out, it's to bring the contractors in. You know what kind of retirement fund I can build with their contributions once I declare a moratorium on free elections? Me: You sure you can beat Senator Clinton? Rudy: Hillary? She's deader than Fred Thompson. She might not even get the Democratic nomination. And a good thing, too, because if she got elected, she'd be harder to pry loose from the White House than Donna was at Gracie Mansion. But I have to say I liked her campaign's fandango on Obama's drug use as a teenager; kinda reminded me of Dick Nixon insisting he wasn't questioning Helen Douglas's patriotism when he knocked the Pink Lady out of the Senate. And that bit they did about Obama lying about his presidential ambitions based on his kindergarten drawing - that was almost as cheesy as my ragging Hillary over that Billy Joel song her campaign played to warm up the crowd during our 2000 campaign. Me: Almost? Rudy: She'll never be my equal. Tell the truth: who's the biggest political weenie you know? Me: I've got to give credit where it's due. Rudy: Damn right. Blaming the Name Me: So you think you're running against Obama? Rudy: One can only hope. By the time we get done with him, 60 percent of the country will believe his name is a signal to Al Qaeda: "Blow up the barracks, Osama." Me: Who's gonna buy that? Rudy: The same people who believe Saddam was behind 9/11. Me: That was three years ago. They don't trust Bush and Cheney anymore. Rudy: That's why my slogan for the general election will be: "Giuliani - he's Bush with a brain, Cheney with competence." Me: The White House may not like that. Rudy: I've been carrying them since 9/11. Let them bite their tongues for a few months. Me: There are indications the public wants a President who won't be as secretive and unwilling to share information. Rudy: Weren't you paying attention the other day during the debate when I talked about how open my administration was? Me: For some reason I remember that differently. Rudy: Typical. You press people just couldn't handle all the truth we gave you. You asked about our Youth Commissioner's tax problems and we furnished you with all the details of the embezzlement by Dinkins's Youth Commissioner. Me: Yeah, except that none of that was true. Rudy: What's that got to do with anything? And what about that malcontent in The Bronx with the rape conviction? Me: The guy who told the media about the speed trap near the Bronx Zoo? It turned out he didn't have a rape conviction. Stomping on a Dead Man Rudy: So who said I never made mistakes? And let me remind you of when we went the extra mile to tell you about Patrick Dorismond's sealed juvenile record after one of my cops killed him. What other Mayor would keep you informed like that? Me: You stomped on a dead man's reputation. Rudy: It was too late to hurt him, and it could've helped me. Isn't that what you call the greater good? Me: And what about your Brooklyn Buildings Commissioner, Trivisonno? When he went to the media about special treatment for the Hasidim in Williamsburg on building code violations after a worker got killed in a collapse, you denounced him as an incompetent who would've been long gone if it weren't for his civil service rights. Rudy: What was I supposed to do? He could've gotten TidyBowl indicted. Me: You mean Teitelbaum? Rudy: If Joe Hynes had pulled the chain, he might as well have been TidyBowl. Look, no one appreciated the career civil service more than me. If cops assigned to my security detail weren't entitled to First-Grade Detective pay and able to apply it to their pensions, it might've been really tough to get them to accompany Judi on her errands. Me: Funny, though, you never made good on your promise to cops to pay them well once the city's financial condition improved. Rudy: What do you mean, funny? Bratton's Fault Me: You know. Rudy: Oh, so I amuse you? Me: I didn't realize you did "Goodfellas" imitations. Rudy: I'm expanding my repertoire. Me: You're also ducking the question. Rudy: Oh, that. I couldn't pay the cops more because Bratton blew the Police Department budget on his public-relations staff. Me: He was the best Police Commissioner you had, and you kicked him down the stairs and on the way out of the building you sicced the Conflicts of Interest Board on him. Rudy: I had to set an example, or any Tom, Dick or Howie might have looked to steal my spotlight. Me: Don't you mean Tom, Dick or Harry? Rudy: No, I mean Von Essen, Sheirer and Safir, the empty vessels through which my public-safety policies were enacted. Me: Kind of ironic, isn't it, that Bratton was the only one of your Police Commissioners that the Conflicts Board didn't sanction? Rudy: You know, I never had much use for irony. Me: You could've fooled me, considering all the favoritism in your administration after your campaign slogan was "One City, One Standard." Rudy: I was just keeping my promise to be the best Mayor possible for the people who elected me. Who cared about the ones who didn't vote for me? Sins of the Children Me: Is that how you explain Russell Harding as your Housing Development Commissioner? Rudy: Well, Ray Harding was a big help in the '93 campaign. Russell didn't turn out so well - not that that's any reflection on me, since I hardly knew the kid - and I feel sorry that it wound up embarrassing his dad. But I can certainly empathize about the problems caused by ungrateful children. Me: So what happens if Kerik's trial is going on during October? Rudy: What's that got to do with me? Sure I was his kids' godfather, even promoted Bernie to a couple of jobs he wasn't qualified for despite his being chummy with a mob contractor. But so what? Am I my driver's keeper? Was I supposed to tell him to be more careful about whom he associated with? It never affected how I ran city government. You didn't see me hanging out with mob-connected guys, letting them renovate Gracie Mansion. I wasn't the one juggling two mistresses at once while trying to support a family on a low six-figure salary. I paid my taxes. Me: So what you're saying is, you're more qualified than Bernie Kerik to be President, morally speaking. Rudy: That's despicable, and you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. Me: Hearing those phrases from you makes me nostalgic for the old days. Generous to His Enemies Rudy: Most people don't realize how good they had it under me. I mean, think about all the protesters who got an inside look at our prison system, and then got paid for it later just because we made them take their clothes off for the body-cavity search. And all those free-speech lawyers who got rich suing the city. You think any of them appreciate what I did for them? Me: They may not recognize you, the way you've changed your positions since you were Mayor. Rudy: You adapt to the times. Nobody accuses Pedro Martinez of being a hypocrite because 10 years ago his fastball was nastier than the New York Times editorial page and today he's a junk-baller. He was smart enough to adjust: if he tried to throw 80 fastballs a game now, the result would be uglier than my divorce case. So what's the big deal about my scrapping the positions that worked in New York so I can survive in the Big Game? Me: You develop any foreign-policy positions that are more sophisticated than throwing Arafat out of Lincoln Center? Rudy: Oh, yeah. I'm smart enough to know that using force shouldn't be our first resort in dealing with hostile nations. Me: For instance? Diplomatic Pouch Rudy: Well, if we were on a state visit to China and one of Judi's Hermes bags disappeared, my first step would be to take a couple of Chinese diplomats hostage. Only if that wasn't enough to get the bag back within 24 hours would I go to the Joint Chiefs about invading. Me: What happens if you aren't elected? Rudy: You know I don't deal in hypotheticals that are unlikely to materialize. But let's just say that win or lose, I expect to become even richer than I am now, and I'll be in Steinbrenner's box when the new Yankee Stadium opens in 2009. And if I'm elected, I just might use the Stadium for my inaugural address. Me: What would your first act as President be? Rudy: Pardon Roger Clemens.
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