Razzle Dazzle
2007: The Year in Review

By RICHARD STEIER

Last year's column of prognostications went off the track as soon as it left the station with the prediction that the New York Giants would defeat the Carolina Panthers in the first round of the NFL playoffs. Once that happened, it was inevitable that the main item in our crystal ball would fail to enter the reality-based community: that Correction Officers' Benevolent Association President Norman Seabrook would be drafted as the Republican candidate for Governor, upset Eliot Spitzer, and then sign over the job to Rudy Giuliani.

But if Dick Cheney is still predicting imminent victory in Iraq and George W. Bush is still President, no theory, forecast or pipe dream in this space can be written off as completely absurd.

And so once again we're heading to the post with everything you need to know about 2007 before it happens. We offer one caveat: due to holiday deadlines, this is going to press before knowing for certain that the Jets are in the playoffs or that Bernie Kerik has done anything especially noble over the weekend to atone for another year of blowing his reputation to smithereens.

BERNIE KERIK: The Michael Jordan of rascals.

The Curse of the Bernie

Things got particularly bad for our former Correction Commissioner/Police Commissioner last year, as he became the first man to hold either of those titles to a) become a convicted felon and b) have his name taken off a city jail.

That would have been quite a year for most mortals, but at the time there were still six months remaining in 2006, and Mr. Kerik made the most of them. A book about life in Iraq by a Washington Post reporter published during the summer portrayed Mr. Kerik's time there ostensibly training the Baghdad police as nothing more than an exercise in self-promotion, with Our Boy Bernie too infatuated with himself to offer any useful advice before cutting and running several months sooner than he'd said he would depart.

And in what might be called the Curse of the Bernie, embarrassing and awful things continued to happen not only to him but to his past and present associates.

Three weeks after Mr. Kerik copped a plea while avoiding jail time, Frank and Peter DiTommaso were indicted for grand jury testimony that contradicted what he had said in Bronx Supreme Court. They claimed they had not paid for $165,000 in renovations at his former home in Riverdale at the same time that he arranged a meeting in 2000 with another Giuliani administration official at which Frank - whose firm has been linked to the Gambino Crime Family - sought to get a city waste-hauling license.

ROGER TOUSSAINT: Bigger than ever.

In September, longtime Correction Department Inspector General Michael Caruso, whom Mr. Kerik described as a close friend and confidant in his autobiography, sued the Department of Investigation, claiming it had forced him out because he wouldn't cooperate in an attempt to frame Bernie regarding his dealings with the DiTommaso brothers.

Later that month, Jeanine Pirro's campaign for State Attorney General began to bottom out after it was revealed that she had tried to persuade Mr. Kerik to wiretap her husband's boat to learn whether he was having an affair. It wasn't clear what hurt her more with voters: that she had asked a known philanderer to catch Albert Pirro in the act, or that she considered her husband less trustworthy than Our Boy Bernie. Whatever the case, she was soundly defeated by Andrew Cuomo in the November election.

PAT LYNCH: Taking on all comers.

His Doors Swung Both Ways

There was Alan Risi, the door manufacturer who had sold $1 million worth of overpriced security doors to the Correction Department and the NYPD while Bernie was in charge - doors that it turned out either weren't needed or were too heavy to be of use. Mr. Risi popped up in the news again in October, when he was arrested for having a female acquaintance serve as his beard in buying back the doors from the city for the fell-off-the-truck price of $35,000. Mr. Risi faces four years in prison if convicted; on the bright side, he doesn't have any jails named after him.

And, of course, there was Judith Regan, Mr. Kerik's publisher and paramour, who first looked to publish O.J. Simpson's "fictional" account of how he might have killed his wife, then moved on to an imagined account of Mickey Mantle's sexual escapades, only to become a special kind of pioneer: a moneymaker who was too morally repugnant for Rupert Murdoch to keep her on his payroll.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG: Can't shut Sheekey up.

A defense attorney a decade ago told a Federal jury that his client so exemplified excellence and dominance in his field that he was the Michael Jordan of police union lawyers. That was unwarranted hyperbole, but we feel secure in saying that when it comes to having his bad deeds redound against all who once called him a friend, Mr. Kerik is the Michael Jordan of rascals. It is why he gets a special Medal of Dishonor among our collection of Razz Award winners for last year, and why a repeat performance in 2007 might persuade us to change the name of the awards to The Bernies.

So herewith is the honor roll of memorable deeds and utterances by non-Kerik luminaries last year, with this year's predictions to follow:

The Charlie Dressen I Managed Great But Boy They Played Lousy Award to Transport Workers' Union Local 100 President Roger Toussaint, whose prediction that the wage contract he negotiated during the transit strike would be "strongly ratified" was upended when members rejected it by seven votes out of more than 22,000 cast.

HILLARY CLINTON: Bearish on Chicago.

Pull His Little String

The James and Bobby Purify I'm Your Puppet Award to Peter Kalikow, who showed John Kerry-like certainty by being for the TWU contract re-vote before he was against it once Governor Pataki made up his mind for him.

The George Bush I Didn't Mislead, You Misfollowed Award to Patrolmen's Benevolent Association President Pat Lynch, for lambasting other police union leaders for what he believed were questionable decisions they made after his contract arbitration strategy forced them into greater concessions to win the same wage hikes he got.

The Hush Falls Over the Loud Award is Mr. Lynch's second trophy, this time for repeatedly criticizing the Board of Collective Bargaining for allegedly being in Mayor Bloomberg's pocket, but then declining to comment after the BCB ruled that the NYPD could not test cops for drugs using hair samples.

The Captain Queeg I Can't Control My Subordinates Award to Mayor Bloomberg, for continuing to insist that he isn't running for President while Deputy Mayor Kevin Sheekey does everything short of moving the City Hall bullpen to Iowa to promote his candidacy.

A Hometown Decision

The We Don't Need No Stinking Judges Award to Kangaroo John Seferian, head of the AFSCME Judicial Panel, for finding that a Federal Judge erred in ruling that District Council 37 Executive Director Lillian Roberts had violated her fiduciary duty to union members when she tried to seize control of the DC 37 Benefits Fund Trust. Kangaroo John justified his decision by saying that Judge Denise Cote ruled without being aware of an amendment Ms. Roberts had made, even though Judge Cote cited that amendment as proof that the DC 37 leader knew she had acted improperly.

The Orson Welles Is Alive and Living in a Spaceship Award to the New York Times, which raised alarms about a possible pension fund shortfall based on a hypothetical exercise by the City Actuary predicated on the nonexistent possibility that the five retirement systems would cease investing in the stock market. The It's a Good Thing for My Job at the Central Labor Council or I Wouldn't Have Gotten Any Sleep At All Award to Brian McLaughlin for, according to Federal prosecutors, combining rapacity, stamina and bad judgment to steal $2.2 million using his union and Assembly offices, carry on a hectic love life and be overheard cursing a staffer who tried to spend Little League funds on baseball equipment.

That Was So Last Year

The Let's Hope the Media Has a Short Memory Award to Investigation Commissioner Rose Gill Hearn, who spent more than three years vociferously defending Michael Caruso against charges that he had been co-opted by Bernie Kerik and allowed Correction Department corruption to flourish, then dismissed Mr. Caruso's lawsuit against her for firing him as "a desperate attempt at retribution by a disgruntled former employee."

And now, with the past accounted for, here's a glimpse at everything that is bound not to happen in 2007:

Jan. 8 - The day after the Jets upset the Indianapolis Colts in the first round of the playoffs, Deputy Mayor Daniel Doctoroff has legislation prepared for a voter referendum that would revive the Jets Stadium project in Manhattan while forcing James Dolan to sell the Knicks and the Rangers.

When Deputy Mayor Sheekey gets wind of the bill, he calls Mr. Doctoroff from New Hampshire and says, "Hey Dan, forget that. We got an election to win."

Mr. Doctoroff replies, "Who's running?"

Jan. 21 - Moments after the Jets defeat the San Diego Chargers to qualify for the Super Bowl against the heavily favored Bears, Mayor Bloomberg calls his counterpart in Chicago, Richard Daley, to propose a friendly wager. "Just to make it interesting," he tells Mr. Daley, "instead of putting up deep-dish pizza, why don't you promise to endorse a third-party candidate for President if the Jets win?"

Hear Her Roar

Jan. 22 - After the Mayor's wager hits the papers, Hillary Clinton holds a press conference to declare that she has loved the Bears since childhood and that a third-party candidate would have as much chance as a Sean Landeta punt into the wind at Soldiers Field.

Feb. 1 - A day after Jill Levy steps down as president of the Council of School Supervisors and Administrators, Schools Chancellor Joel Klein finally agrees to contract terms with the union, whose members had been working for more than 3-1/2 years under an expired pact.

"There's an important lesson for our students here," Mr. Klein says at the press conference announcing the deal. "In the real world, spite's a big thing."

Feb. 4 - The Jets win the Super Bowl, 20-17. The following morning, John McCain, Barack Obama and Ms. Clinton take to the Senate floor to issue a bipartisan call for an investigation into whether Mr. Bloomberg bought the game officials.

Toussaint Diversifies

March 11 - Roger Toussaint announces that he has cut a record in an attempt to raise funds to cover the huge legal bills he and Local 100 incurred with the transit strike and contract arbitration. The A side of the single is a Ray Charles medley with reworked titles and lyrics: "Hit the Road, Patak" and "Georgie Off My Mind," while the B side covers a modern Christmas classic that's retitled, "Peter Got Run Over By a J Train."

A week after the record is released, it's in the Top 10 on the jazz, country, and adult contemporary charts, and Mr. Toussaint's record company is rushing out videos and ordering a CD. A Quinnipiac College Poll shows that Mr. Pataki's name recognition has climbed 36 percent in Iowa, but his favorable ratings are down 78 percent.

April 19 - State budget talks remain deadlocked nearly three weeks after the new fiscal year has begun, with Governor Spitzer refusing to go along with Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno's demand that any accord include amnesty for past ethical transgressions.

During a heated private meeting, Mr. Bruno asks Mr. Spitzer, "Why do you care? Everything I did wrong happened before Day One."

PBA Stands Pat

May 8 - The PBA holds nominations for union officers and Pat Lynch is unopposed. He calls a press conference and tells reporters, "This is just another example of how the Bloomberg administration's salary policies have devalued the work we do: nobody wants this job anymore."

June 17 - Roger Toussaint's CD goes triple platinum even before it reaches record stores. Among the additional material that has been adapted for his unique song stylings is the "Theme From Shaft" ("Who's the cat that's walkin' out/When there's danger all about? Rog! Can you dig it?"); "Strike Christmas"; a Duke Ellington medley of "Can't Take the A Train" and "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"; a Kanye West medley of "We Don't Care (What Tabloids Say)" and "Roger Walks"; a City Hall medley of "Rudolph the Redneck Mayor" and "Shut Up, You're Rocking the Boat"; a Bob Marley/Jimmy Cliff medley of "No Contract, No Work" and "Many Rebels to Cross"; and "When Sonny Turns Blue."

Within a week, Mr. Toussaint has the top CD in the United States, the Caribbean and Canada and is booked on a European tour.

July 20 - Governor Spitzer signs into law several pension bills benefiting union members. Asked whether this didn't violate the spirit of his election campaign, he responds, "On Day 201, some things change back."

Along Came Jones

Aug. 1 - TWU lawyers appear before Brooklyn Supreme Court Justice Theodore Jones to ask for the reinstatement of dues checkoff rights, claiming that the union is running $3 million short since they were suspended at the beginning of June. Justice Jones denies the request and suggests that the union ask Mr. Toussaint for a loan.

Aug. 22 - A Public Employment Relations Board arbitration panel releases its award for the PBA giving union members the same raises that were negotiated by the Uniformed Firefighters' Association the previous fall.

Mr. Lynch says it just proves that PERB is another arm of the Bloomberg administration, and that there is no sense in appealing because the courts are also handmaidens to the Mayor.

He announces, however, that the following week he will begin classes at New York University Law School, with plans to specialize in labor arbitration.

Sept. 16 - U.S. Attorney Michael Garcia and city Investigation Commissioner Rose Gill Hearn call a press conference to announce a major indictment. They decline to disclose the charges, however, or any other details, except for two words.

"Bernie Kerik," Ms. Hearn tells reporters.

Can You Hear Us Now?

The New York Times subsequently reports that Mr. Kerik has been implicated in the Bush Administration's domestic wiretapping program. Taped conversations with undercover investigators reveal that Mr. Kerik oversaw a more expansive use of the program than had been previously disclosed, including eavesdropping operations against Democratic Party officials and several ex-girlfriends, and that he had made inquiries about which countries did not have extradition treaties with the U.S.

Oct. 20 - Rudy Giuliani's campaign committee buys a half-hour in primetime on all of the major networks to allow him to explain his relationship with Mr. Kerik. The ex-Mayor says that while they were often seen together while he was in office and Mr. Kerik later became his business partner, they were never particularly close and that Mr. Kerik did not tell him about any of his questionable associations and transactions.

"It's funny how you can know a guy and not really know him," Mr. Giuliani says.

Oct. 27 - A poll of New Hampshire voters shows Mr. Giuliani's unfavorable rating has nearly doubled, from 33 percent to 64 percent, with Mr. Kerik cited as the major reason for the dramatic swing.

Nov. 13 - Rudy Giuliani announces that he is withdrawing from the campaign trail in order to spend more time with his family.

Turnstile Justice

Nov. 19 - Minutes after he is arraigned in U.S. District Court in Manhattan under a 374-count indictment, Bernie Kerik receives a presidential pardon on the grounds that he has suffered enough.

Asked for comment, Mr. Kerik responds, "Well, it's like Rudy said: 'Thank God George Bush is President.'''

Dec. 19 - On the second anniversary of the transit strike, it is announced that Roger Toussaint's debut album is the best-selling record of all time and that the rights to make a movie of his life story have been sold for $10 million.

Mr. Toussaint objects, however, when told that the studio wants either Denzel Washington or Jamie Foxx to play him, insisting that only he can do himself justice. Studio executives relent after, upon learning that he plans to take a leave of absence from Local 100 to star in the movie, Metropolitan Transportation Authority officials agree to use a budget surplus to underwrite the film's costs.

A Kalikow Chianti

Dec. 24 - Mr. Toussaint, concerned that the MTA's investment might force it to raise fares if the film bombs at the box office, makes a deal under which his members play all the extras in the movie, from subway riders to transit workers to Wall Street Journal editorial writers. He also arranges to have Anthony Hopkins play Peter Kalikow and Michael Richards ("We needed a tall guy") play Governor Pataki.

Dec. 25 - The front-page headline of the Daily News reads "Ho Ho No!"

Dec. 31 - On a snowy New Year's Eve, presidential candidates in Hanover, New Hampshire arrive for a special town hall meeting and are greeted by a smiling Bernie Kerik, with a Bloomberg administration photographer recording the moments for posterity.

Mr. Kerik also discloses that he has taken a job as executive assistant to the president of Halliburton Enterprises, the recently departed Vice President Cheney.

"I couldn't figure out something he said, though," he tells reporters. "Any of you know who G. Gordon Liddy is?"

Happy New Year.

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