Volunteer's Lament

To the Editor:

I am a member of the Volunteer Fire Service in New Jersey. In December 2001, I started my journey into Ground Zero and volunteered my time until June 2002.

I gave my mind, body and soul to that living hole in the ground I called Hell, and in the end, the only thing I didn't give was my life.

My cousin's remains reside now in a landfill. I, like many others, just wanted to be there to see those remains recovered. I'm constantly reminded of that place in my dreams, and the fact that I was so helpless, but I felt I had a job to do.

In the end, I sacrificed my livelihood, my sanity and my health, but I would make that sacrifice again in a New York minute.

The World Trade Center Volunteers Fund was supposed to ease this pain. I know that the Workers' Compensation appeal judge who ruled twice in my case, the FDNY hierarchy, the FDNY legal department, and the Governor and past two Mayors did not sacrifice more than myself, yet they stand in judgment of me. I don't think Deputy Mayor Rudy Washington sacrificed more, but he had no problem being awarded by this fund.

Many members of the FDNY rank and file, EMS, Port Authority Police Department and NYPD have thanked me for my service, and to me there is no greater honor than this and the unconditional love I get from them. As I wait on my third appeal, I want to thank all my brothers and sisters, because without your encouragement I would have had no faith at all.

BILL "BILLY CIGARS" MAHER JR.